LaToya’s got a gun!

LaToya Jackson stars in “Armed and Famous”Ok, you know how I said The Surreal Life Fame Games was the greatest celebreality show on TV? Well that was before I saw the premiere episode of Armed and Famous on CBS. The race for the most outrageous celebrity reality challenge is heating up with this new contender.

In the first episode, the cast arrived in Muncie, Indiana to being their training in hopes of becoming official police officers. First to appear was Erik Estrada, then LaToya Jackson, followed by Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus and Jason Acuna. They began their journey with a briefing by Sgt. Rick Eber, who informed them that their celebrity status meant nothing in the mean streets of Muncie.

Next up, the gang got an overview on safety and learned about dangerous scenarios by doing mock traffic stops. Each cast member was outfitted with a fake gun and told to pull over an officer pretending to be a suspect. Estrada took the job a bit too seriously and started barking at the man like he was a wanted murderer when the scenario was only for a routine traffic ticket. Osbourne excelled at the task by staying on his toes and jumping into action when the fake perp pulled a gun. Jackson wasn’t so sharp and she panicked and emptied a clip into the man as he was attempting to comply with her orders. This lead the training officers to proclaim, “Jackson shot an unarmed man!” and caused me to laugh for 20 minutes.

It only got better after the commercial break when the celebrities were learning to use their tasers. Apparently the rule in Indiana is that you can only posses a taser is you have been tased yourself. In what seemed like some awful frat initiation, each celebrity lined up to be tased by an officer of the Muncie police department. They were given the option of being shocked with clip on wires or being shot with the little metal spikes that the police normally use. Osbourne was up first and he opted for the less painful clips. Even with the clips, the shock was strong enough to knock him on his knees for a while. One by one the rest of the crew got ready to take their tasing. Soon, Jackson stepped up for her turn.

At this point, I nearly lost it. I was laughing so hard already that I almost blew a funny fuse, but the idea of seeing LaToya Jackson getting tased on national TV was more than I could handle. I had to pause it for a minute and regain my composure before I could actually watch the scene.

She got ready and they fired up the taser. She screamed like Michael in the “Smooth Criminal” video and then collapsed to the floor. Being the crazy lady that she is, she then turned it into a big production, complete with shortness of breath and strained speech. Everyone stopped for a moment to ask her if she was alright. Of course, she was fine and they moved on the the next celeb.

While all the other celebrities opted for the clips, Trish Stratus proved that she’s a tough cookie and opted to be shot with the little metal spikes. She lined up and they shot her, sending her to her knees as well. She quickly recovered and was back on her feet and smiling seconds later, making all the guys in the group feel like total pussies.

After recovering, the recruits were ready to move on to the next lesson, but not before LaToya decided to make a phone call to her brother Jackie. I can only imagine the look on Jackie’s face when he picked up the phone to hear, “Hi! I’m in Muncie, Indiana and I’m training to be a cop!” LaToya looked around confused as there was a long pause from the other end. Jackie proceeded to ask her why she was doing this and whether their parents knew about it. She explained her motivations and begged him not to tell their mother about it. All this was coming from a 50 year old woman, mind you. I can only hope that every episode gives us little glimpses like this into the kookiness that is the Jackson family.

Later on the celebs learned to use real weapons. Osbourne again lead the class with his marksmanship and Jackson was again in the bottom. At one point, she emptied an entire clip at the cut-out target and her instructor remarked that, “There’s eleven bullets that aren’t even on this target.”

The show was so filled with priceless moments that it’s impossible to even capture it all in this blog. Just know that I had to immediately watch it again after it ended because I just couldn’t believe my eyes. This might be one of the most outrageous and amazing things to ever air on television. I can only pray that every episode is as awesome as the first one.

If I had to pick one little clip that could sum up the episode I’d pick this one:
During training for hand-to-hand combat, Jackson was paired up with Osbourne for a scenario using pressure points on the neck. She grabbed his neck with one hand and applied the pressure to the side of his neck with her other hand. He flailed around and then grabbed his neck in pain before saying in terror, “LaToya is scaring the hell out of me!” That just goes to show you how terrifying the Jackson clan is; they scare the hell out of Jack Osbourne, son of the Prince of Darkness.

If you are a fan of trashy reality shows, you simply cannot miss Armed and Famous. You can find out more about the show at cbs.com/primetime/armed_and_famous and check out episodes and extras on CBS’s Innertube Player.

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Alexis Gentry

Alexis Gentry is the creator and editor of Trashwire.com. She has been called a “dynamic, talented and unique voice in pop culture” by Ben Lyons of E! and, with her strong fascination with entertainment and penchant for writing, it’s not hard to see why.

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