Christmas is just days away and there’s not much time to get all the items on your list. Thankfully, the wonderful world of As Seen on TV lets you shop with almost no effort required. Everyone is familiar with the Shake Weight and Snuggie, but here are a few other items to ask Santa for this Holiday season.
Furniture Fix is a set of plastic strips you put under a worn out couch or chair to (supposedly) make it more comfortable. The commercial for this novel invention is rife with silly examples and claims. In addition to holding up cinderblocks and making old ladies sit up straight, Furniture Fix can also come in handy when you’re hosting meetings for your Sumo wrestling club.
I’m not going to lie, I kind of want these. Pajama Jeans are a stylish alternative to a muumuu or housecoat. They’re made from the same material as sweat pants, but they’re painted to look like jeans, creating an optical illusion that will fool everyone into thinking you’re a part of society.
I can’t tell you how many times I open my cabinet, only to be buried in an avalanche of spices. If only someone would create a product that organizes all my herbs and spices in some sort of space age device. What’s that you say? They’ve invented just such a product? That’s right. Swivel Store is the most crucial element of any kitchen.
Sobakawa Cloud Pillow
Americans can’t ever get a good night’s sleep. We toss and turn and simultaneously wake up complaining about neck aches. Sobakawa builds on “Asian traditions” of Styrofoam and synthetic fibers to give you the rest you deserve. Don’t believe me? Just ask the semi-racist caricature of an Asian woman who’s off in dreamland thanks to this miracle in sleep technology. This commercial is also great because it features one of the best “scientific” experiments in the As Seen on TV world: the 10lb weight egg drop. The most disturbing part of this product is that it’s billed as “The last pillow you’ll ever need.” You will have this pillow for the rest of your life and, when you die, they’ll bury you with it.
Not to be confused with the Perfect Brownie, the Perfect Meatloaf Pan saves you from a greasy lump of mushy meat with revolutionary convection technology. Blend up your ingredients and pop them in this baby and you’ll have a perfectly shaped (and already garnished) meat cake right out of the oven. I don’t usually eat beef, but if I could be as happy as the girl in the green shirt, maybe I’d start.
I’ve watched this commercial several times and I still can’t figure out what makes this any different from every other ball. Yet, this thing is “sweeping the nation” apparently. I can’t help but feel bad the grandkid somewhere who woke up to find a Fushigi instead of Call of Duty under the tree Christmas morning. Come on, this kind of thing is only cool when David Bowie does it in Labyrinth.
Stop having a boring tuna! Stop having a boring life! You don’t even eat salad, fatty! All the other products in your kitchen are worthless! Vince, let’s curb the judgment, ok?
There can be no greater As Seen on TV product than this! Forever lazy is like a representation of America itself. In fact, I think we should put one on the Statue of Liberty. After watching the woman in this commercial fuss and struggle with one of those silly old fashioned blankets, we can thank our lucky stars that some genius thought to bring us this adult onesie with a Bugs Bunny style trap door in the back so you never have to take it off. Ever. Your move, Snuggie!