We don’t publish enough book reviews here on Trashwire–possibly because we don’t read enough books–but E L James’ Fifty Shades of Grey is such a ginormous success that it warrants a bit of commentary. Let me start off by saying that I’m no English Lit major and I’m not a big time reader, but I have read my fair share of book-to-screen adaptations and, since this book will soon become a movie, I feel qualified to make a judgement call. This review will contain some spoilers, so consider yourself warned!

As most of you probably already know, Fifty Shades of Grey tells the story of Anastasia Steele, an innocent, bookish virgin, who happens to fall in love with a masochistic, manipulative, handsome billionaire by the name of Christian Grey. Christian’s tastes are on the kinky side and Anastasia is simultaneously frightened and turned on by all the ways he intends to “punish” her as his sex slave in their dominant/submissive BDSM relationship.

At first, things are interesting and even a bit tantalizing. Christian’s mysterious and charming, but we know he’s got a dark side, we just don’t know how very, very dark that side is. He’s rather inexplicably taken with Anastasia, much as Edward Cullen is captivated by the blasé, underdeveloped Bella Swan in Twilight, which inspired the Fifty Shades trilogy. We’re drawn along with her in her journey to find out more about this extremely wealthy, extremely handsome and, it turns out, extremely twisted individual. There’s a little bit of a power play between the two, but it’s the kind of flirtatious intimidation one expects in a relationship. He’s so staggeringly perfect, at least to her, and she struggles to match him in wit and confidence.

The graphic sex scenes are also much-discussed, though they get a bit boring since Anastasia and Christian are banging every few pages. Anastasia’s “inner goddess”, the devil on her shoulder, keeps rearing her ugly head and her little insights get a bit tiresome. Really, none of this stuff is anything you couldn’t read on the internet or in one of those $.99 eBooks on the Barnes & Noble Nook store, so it’s only riling people up because these books are actually popular. Still, Anastasia seems to be having fun exploring the world of crazy, wild, impulsive sex with her super hot beau.

Things get a bit weird when Christian reveals that he’s into spanking, whipping, caning, and tying up women to get his kicks. For some reason, Anastasia is down with this, mostly in an effort to make him happy as opposed to a genuine interest or desire to be someone’s submissive. Even then, it’s kind of amusing to hear the couple negotiate rules and “safe words” and all sorts of parameters for their relationship. Anastasia’s email exchanges with Christian are particularly sharp and quite funny.

And then it gets darker.

Christian wants Anastasia to sign a contract (specifically noted as being legally unenforceable, likely in an effort to make him seem less of a monster) that gives him control over most aspects of her life including her wardrobe, diet and the amount of sleep she must get each night. To her credit, she proves to not be a completely idiotic character and offers up some negotiations, though all her limits seem rather hollow as it’s clear in the first few pages that this girl will do absolutely anything her wealthy sadist wants.

Let the “punishments” begin! Christian is a fan of spanking, but not in that tee-hee playful kind of way. He likes hurting her, leaving her sore and crying. And, incomprehensibly, this girl keeps going back for more because she decides she can put up with the floggings since the sex is so good. I’m calling bullshit right here. Now, I’m sure there are girls who would dig this kind of thing, but the way Anastasia’s character is set up leaves no real explanations as to why she’s so willing to accept this kind of abusive relationship. Sure the innocent girl and the dangerous guy are common literary and cinematic traditions, but it seems like most of these romances are about the bad boy’s transition into a good boy, a loving boy, a boy who no longer wants to do any type of damage to his leading lady. Fifty Shades seems to be about a girl’s transition from interesting, intelligent, compelling character into obedient, brainless, easily manipulated servant. What’s up with that?

What disturbs me the most about this series is its popularity among women, particularly bored housewives and soccer moms. Maybe it’s a need to indulge in a fantasy world that’s very different from their own, maybe it’s a curiosity for kink without actually having to go out an buy whips and chains, but I sincerely hope it’s not because of a desire to be physically and emotionally harmed in a relationship. Love isn’t about tearing the other person down and making them feel cheap, worthless, confused and sore and our literary and cinematic objects of desire shouldn’t be about it either. In the time of birth control debates and GOP-fueled threats to women’s rights, what does it say about our gender if we want to be in a relationship where a man controls us and abuses us?

I know people in the BDSM community have had issues with the book as well, claiming that it doesn’t accurately depict the nature of that lifestyle. I don’t think those people would call what they’re doing dangerous abuse, not even the submissives in the relationship, but that’s what it all boils down to in Fifty Shades. Christian is abusive. Christian is manipulative Christian physically injures Anastasia. Christian emotionally destroys her. But somehow that’s ok?

Maybe I’m just the kind of mouthy, headstrong, boss-lady type of woman who Christian Grey would love to break in his “Red Room of Pain”, but I just don’t think a relationship should be based on suffering. Simply put I don’t find anything particularly appealing about the relationship between the two characters. In fact, I find it troubling that a nation of women are digging this and are identifying with Anastasia. I’m on the fence about reading the remaining two books in the trilogy. Part of me is appalled, but part of me is intrigued at how bad this thing could actually get. While I may have a slight masochistic desire to finish the other books in this series, I’m not exactly going to let someone bend me over their knee and spank me with them.

Back in the 1990s, Hollywood started taking old TV shows and making them into movies, set in present day, and making fun of just how outdated they seemed by today’s standards. The Brady Bunch Movie, The Adams Family and even Pleasantville showed us that the characters of old would have a tough time fitting in with our cool, hip, progressive society. Tim Burton’s Dark Shadows is a lot like those fish-out-of-water parodies, just with more vampire jokes.

The original series ran in the 1960s, but the film is set in the 1970s, complete with stoner hippies, lava lamps and a disco ball. Johnny Depp stars as Barnabas Collins, heir to a very wealthy colonial family who rebuffs the advances of a clingy witch named Angelique (Eva Green) and ends up cursed to spend eternity as a vampire. After spending two hundred years trapped in a coffin, Barnabas is unearthed by some construction workers in the 1970s and must reunite with his relatives and try to adjust to the technology of the time at his ancestral home, Collinwood. There’s a side story about Barnabas’ true love (Bella Heathcote) falling under the witch’s spell and jumping off a cliff, only to be seemingly reincarnated as a nanny working for the Collins family, but it seems a little tacked on in an attempt to make Barnabas more three dimensional.

The film’s primary goal seems to be attempting to make every possible joke about the 1970s and an old fashioned vampire trying to blend in. Barnabas is perplexed and fearful of a lava lamp in pouty, teenage Carolyn’s (Chloe Grace Moretz) swingin’ bedroom. Elizabeth (Michelle Pfeiffer) explains to him that they don’t ride around in a carriage, but a Chevy instead. He assumes a television is some kind of magic trick. He even learns to brush his teeth, though his reflection doesn’t show up in the mirror. Because he’s a vampire. Get it! Isn’t that hilarious?! With all these kitschy jokes, it’s hard to even remember the story lines of little David (Gulliver McGrath) being visited by the ghost of his late mother, Roger (Jonny Lee Miller) trying to rip off the family fortune and even Angelique trying to take down Barnabas by destroying his family’s business.

Burton’s trademark dark, angular, German Expressionist-influenced style is also a bit lost here. Sure, there are some looming gargoyles and a beautifully spooky, big-eyed heroine (Heathcote), but aside from the casting of Helena Bonham Carter, it’s hard to even tell this is a Burton film from visual alone. Even Danny Elfman’s music seems toned down and simplified.

The cast is sort of engaging. McGrath is adorable and plays his timid, haunted character well. Moretz, whom we know can actually act, seems a bit wasted in such a stereotypical role, so much so that, when we discover a twist about her character during the finale, we don’t really care. Pfeiffer is good, though it’s hard to tell why she talks with an affected accent like Madonna when the rest of her family speaks normally. Green, who looks like a slightly more sinister Anne Hathaway, fully commits to going bat-shit crazy as a spurned ex-girlfriend. Carter brings a bit of comedy to her role as a drunken psychiatrist, but her scenes are few and far between.

The whole thing feels like Pirates of the Caribbean meets Hocus Pocus, good for kids too young to go see Twilight, but disappointing for adults who were looking for a solid nod to the original series.

Our heroes set out to save the world

What do you get when you combine Hollywood’s most profitable superheroes in one film? You get action, effects, humor and fun. In other words, you get The Avengers.

In case you’ve been living under a rock, or movies based on comic books are so not your thing, The Avengers are a team of heroes from various comic books who have been brought together by S.H.I.E.L.D., a secret military law enforcement agency, on a mission to save the world.

The team includes Thor (Chris Hemsworth), The Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Captain America (Chris Evans) and Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr.) on the superhero side, as well as two regular humans with exceptional skills, Hawkeye (Jeremy Renner) and Black Widow (Scarlett Johansson). They’re supervised by Nick Fury (Samuel L. Jackson) and on a quest to stop Loki (Tom Hiddleston), who aims to use the all-powerful Tesseract to subjugate earth.

Thor and Captain America get ready to kick some ass

This film is so action packed that it would take me about 5,000 words to describe everything that happens, but suffice it to say that a lot goes down. We see the team assembling for the first time, their personal struggles and friendships, the reemergence of Thor’s brother Loki as a villain and the mythical Tesseract that we’ve seen glimpses of in all the single character movies that lead up to The Avengers. With this all-star group of heroes, the focus feels equally distributed and we get invested in each one of them in the first half of the film, which eases the transition from origin story to the pure, adrenaline-fueled, CGI orgy of action that follows.

The dynamic between the characters is great. Downey stands out because Tony Stark is such a delightful smart ass, Ruffalo is excellent at capturing the meek alter ego of his not-so-jolly green giant, Hemsworth is jacked beyond belief and Evans is channelling his inner Superman with his straight-laced, old-school hero. The guys get along, the guys fight, and the audience wins.

Tony Stark tries to ruffle Bruce Banner's feathers to get "The Other Guy" to show his big, green face

Let’s face it, movies today are expensive–3D movies even more so–and The Avengers definitely gives you the most bang for your buck. The final battle in New York is so action packed you might need to bring some eye drops because you’re not going to want to blink. Danger waits around every corner and we get to see superheroes do what the do best: throw down. Each character is highlighted individually and we also see their place within the team. This also gives the filmmakers an opportunity to show off just what these guys can do, from shield throwing to hammer tossing to building climbing to dishing out witty comebacks whilst zipping around in a high-tech suit.

If you enjoyed any of the individual character movies, you will loose your freaking mind in The Avengers. Director Joss Whedon manages to give us a hero team that’s even greater than the sum of its parts.