When Trashwire began all those years ago, the contributors had pen names. Most were just plain silly, and some were not so safe for work. One of our earliest contributors was Dave DeHart, whose Trashwire nickname was definitely on the NSFW side. Today, Dave is back, using his real name, and bringing us his unique sports commentary in a new section caled “Sports Smart(ass) with Dave DeHart”. This week’s episode: Golden Tate vs the donut shop.

It feels so good to be back! My (one) fan might remember me as Dicky Cockerson, but I’ve been forced to change my name to David DeHart due to a long legal battle I lost with an internet pornstar. I wrote a Trashwire review for Spiderman 2 back in late 2004, and while my pseudo-bromance with Spiderman (or nearly everything Marvel) still exists, I decided to stop reviewing movies all together after I watched Ladder 49 and couldn’t possibly think of a way to review a movie that turrible (I know only pronounce the word ‘terrible’ like Charles Barkley). So without further Edu (it’s World Cup time baby!), I bring to you Sports Smart(ass) by Dave DeHart. Each week, I’ll be weighing in on some of the dumbest, oddest, and inexplainable happenings in sports. If you want sports recaps, go read a goddamn newspaper.

As TMZ.com first reported, Seattle Seahawks rookie WR Golden Tate was recently issued a trespass warning for breaking into local Seattle doughnut shop Top Pot Saturday at 3am. TMZ also has the recording from the nightshift baker who called in the incident. She claims that Tate was “being retarded” and stole several Maple Bars, which sound like they’d be worth taking a trespassing rap for. I’m guessing that “being retarded” meant he was drunk because I want to give the benefit of the doubt that an NFL rookie wouldn’t be smoking that super bomb Seattle Northern Lights (even though coach Pete Carroll could empathize if he was).

Now, I realize I’m not the first to chime in on Tate’s after hours escapades for some late night munchies, but I’ve gotta say, I don’t blame the guy. Do you even realize how hard it is to find delicious food at 3am on a Saturday when you’re drunker than Lindsey Lohan after a Ke$ha concert?! In Denver, you can’t even get Taco Bell at 3am, TACO BELL! Who even knew Taco Bell closed? It’s not like their employees have families to go home to.

If you are not familiar with Tate, he was a runningback/wideout hybrid at Notre Dame who made incredibly physical plays after the catch. On one particular play I saw, he got hit while jumping, did the ole’ fliparoo and almost landed on his feet to continue pounding his way to the endzone. Also, he has an incredibly awesome name too. It’s fun to say, Golden Tate, Golden Tate, Golden Tate, sometimes I accidentally say Golden Taint which brings up all sorts of rich imagery.

It’s no surprise though that a player who will do flips to get into the endzone would force his way into a donut shop for some delectable maple bars after a night of boozing. What else are you going to do, break into a Starbucks for some of their shitty zucchini walnut muffins? Fuck no. If you’re going to break into a store, it better be for something insanely awesome, like a Maple Bar from Top Pot, which Tate described as “irresistible.” If I was an NFL player coming home from a night of pounding my liver into submission where my stomach was an innocent bystander, I’d break into the store after taking a whiff of the Maple Bars from Top Pot (This entry IS brought to you by Top Pot Hand-Forged Doughnuts – http://www.toppotdoughnuts.com… no, not really.)

Luckily everyone, even the Seattle police, could laugh off the incident and instead of getting pegged with a breaking and entering charge, Tate walked away with a trespassing slap-on-the-wrist and belly full of finger-licking Maple Bars. I don’t like that he tried to pawn this one off on his friend and partner in crime, but hey, his friend isn’t worth millions of dollars, so pawn on my man. Let’s just all be happy that Golden didn’t stake his reputation on the line for some…wait for it…Karat cake.

Today’s the last day of 2009 and I, for one, can’t wait until it’s over. Aside from the bad economy, 2009 also brought us such unwelcome gifts as Balloon Boy, H1N1, Kanye’s VMA outburst, and celebrity deaths by the truckload. While some people are writing lists about their favorite moments of the year, I’ve compiled a list of reasons why I’m looking forward to saying sayonara to 2009. So, without further delay, I bring you… 5 reasons 2009 can suck it.

5. Lamar Odom marries Khloe Kardashian:
After becoming a stand out on a championship team, Odom made headlines of another variety when he met and quickly married a Kardashian. The scandalous union seemed like one of the biggest publicity stunts of the year, but it worked, making both household names and propelling the duo to a whole new level of fame. The Keeping Up with the Kardashians wedding special sealed the deal for unadulterated overexposure.

4. The rise of the non-celebrity
Whether it’s Balloon Boy, Octomom or the Gosselins, 2009 marked the year the meek inherited the world of entertainment. Every tabloid magazine or entertainment news show seemed to be filled with random people who had managed to squeeze every last drop out of their 15 minutes of fame. If you’re like me, you were left wondering where all the actors, singers, and actual talented people were.

3. The never-ending healthcare quagmire
Death panels? Public options? Pre-existing conditions? This year healthcare was all the rage as the government sought to make sense of the ridiculous predicament insurance companies and the American people had gotten themselves into. Each day, things got more confusing as compromises were made and the whole thing started to spin out of control. Some have argued that it’s all been a way to take our minds off the war, and that might be true, but the real question is, how can I get a job on one of those death panels?

2. Sarah Palin writes a best-seller
It’s questionable that Palin has ever read a book, but this year she published Going Rogue: An American Life, which became hugely popular with people who liked her kooky antics. Sadly, the book wasn’t just pictures of her holding shotguns standing over dead moose carcasses. As if we needed to hear any more nonsense from this vacuous media whore!

1. The death of the King of Pop
Michael Jackson’s death was a true tragedy that devastated his fans all over the world. After the initial sadness, there was the media storm and subsequent exploitation (I’m looking at you Jermaine!) of everything MJ from This Is It to the countless products baring an image of the late great superstar. The worst part of it all is that the death of such a significant and talented person left a void that the media filled with hordes of non-celebrities from Speidi to the kids from Jersey Shore.

Occasionally, it dawns on me that a lot of people I know aren’t on Twitter and haven’t seen my frequent (and some might say incessant) updates from the last week. As a result, I’m writing this blog as a continuation of my first “Basketball Diaries” post–which has nothing to do with Jim Carroll, Leonardo DiCaprio, or heroin–to detail the action, intrigue and adventure during my most recent trip out to the desert to spend some time with the Phoenix Suns.

I arrived in Phoenix on Thursday afternoon with just enough time to drop my stuff off at my dad’s house before hopping in the car with my stepmom, Suzanne, and my two little brothers, Ryan and Jack. We arrived at the gigantic U.S. Airways Center just in time to make a quick stop by the family room and head to our seats for the Suns game against the Cleveland Cavaliers.

Having never seen Lebron James play, I must admit that I was really excited. After all, this is a guy who has been dubbed the “Chosen One” by nearly every broadcaster and sports writer. On thing that is instantly striking about him when you see him in person is his sheer size. Not only is he 6’8″, but he’s built like a football player and looks solid as a rock! It was amazing to see him on the court with Grant Hill, who is the same height, but is about 40lbs lighter. With his size and speed, James is a force to be reckoned with and the excitement started to build as we watched him walk onto the court.

I was equally thrilled to have the opportunity to support my dudes at my first Suns home game. The seats were fantastic, and very close to the Suns bench, so we could see all the expression on the players’ faces. I was a little sad that Shaq didn’t utilize his “L.P.C.” (or Levitation Process Crew for those who don’t keep up on the Big Shaqtus’ musings) during his introduction, but still psyched at the prospects of watching a great game.

And what a great game it was!

Going in, I had my fingers crossed, but wasn’t very hopefully about the prospects of an Amare-less Suns team even getting within the realm of a win over the #1 team in the league. Still, I had faith in our guys and knew they would give it their all. Sure enough, there were points when the Suns were even leading the Cavs, but in the end, the powers of The Chosen One prevailed.

After the exciting game, the next notable event was heading back to the arena for practice.

It’s been a long time since I’ve gone with my dad to practice. The last time I went was when he was with the Clippers and I probably spent most of the time texting or playing Snake on my cell phone. This time I spent a lot of time on my cell phone too, but instead of zoning out, I was snapping pictures and posting updates on Twitter.

As I walked around the locker room, I caught a glimpse of something sure to be familiar to Suns fans that, like myself, spend a lot of time avoiding work by browsing the clips in the multimedia section on suns.com. Yep, it was the infamous bike belonging to everyone’s favorite ponytailed PF, Lou Amundson. I overheard a few potential plots to hide the bike, but it managed to stay in the same place the whole day, something I can only attribute to Shaq having the day off.

I chilled out on the sidelines of the practice court as coaches Dan Majerle, Bill Cartwright and Igor Kokoskov worked with the younger players like Robin Lopez, Jared Dudley, Alando Tucker, Goran Dragic and Amundson. As things started to wind down, Dudley, Tucker, Dragic and Amundson played a quick game as my dad Alvin Gentry and the other coaches gave hilarious commentary.

When the court was mostly cleared, my brothers started taking shots at the hoop closest to where I was sitting. At one point, the ball got away from my brother Jack and rolled over to where Dragic was sitting with Tucker out on the sidelines. Dragic asked if Jack wanted to see him make a shot from the chair. When my disbelieving brother said he did, Dragic dribbled a couple times and then nailed a perfect shot that could have been used by a foley artist for the “swish” sound effect. My thoroughly impressed brothers looked back at him in awe as he laughed and continued to talk with Tucker.

After practice, I hung out in my dad’s office while he did a few interviews. I knew my way around the locker room simply because I had visited the virtual locker room on suns.com a few hundred times browsing the clickable items and looking for easter eggs. As I came down the hallway with the Suns history wall, I ran into Tucker, Dragic and Amundson, who joked with me earlier about the “boring” way I was spending my Friday afternoon. They were gathered around as one of the trainers was performing what seemed to be a magic trick. First, he had Dragic stand on one foot, and then pushed him off balance. Next he told Dragic to hold on to a plastic card with the mysterious ability to stabilize whoever possessed it. To everyone’s surprise, it did seem to make a noticeable difference in Dragic’s ability to stay balanced, even when others attempted to knock him off. Disbelieving, Tucker volunteered to try it himself and was again shocked when it seemed to work for him too.

I made the first step in “Operation Get Lou on Twitter” by telling him that, as someone with an iPhone, signing up for Twitter is practically required before I headed off with the family to get some lunch.

The next day was the Suns home game against the Thunder. With a less intimidating challenger, I was able to relax a bit more.

After the game, it was on to the bus and then on to the plane to head to San Francisco/Oakland for the game against the Golden State Warriors.

My only other NBA road trip experience was many years ago with the L.A. Clippers, who didn’t own a plane, but rather chartered one. The Suns are a whole different ball game, so to speak. Upon stepping onboard, I was warmly greeted by the flight attendants who had everyone’s snack/drink orders memorized. Large trays of food were available as the guys filed in and went to their comfy seats. I sat with my dad up in the coaches’ section as we snacked on appetizers. The coaches took out their MacBook Pros and started watching that night’s game as I pulled out Watchmen, turned on my iPod, and wondered how the hell I could ever fly commercial again. Through the flight, we were offered any kind of delicious food we could ever want, including ice cream sandwiches and warm cookies and milk. We were treated to an equally V.I.P. experience upon arrival at the St. Regis Hotel.

That evening at the arena before the game, I had my first chance to talk to Robin Lopez. Having similar nerdy interests, I had a wonderful conversation with him about the omission of the Black Freighter plot in Watchmen, John K. animation, Facebook etiquette and other similarly geeky topics. Having met tons of NBA players in my life, I found Lopez delightfully unique and gained a whole new appreciation for the 7ft. reserve Center.

The game was the cherry on top of an already rad day. The Suns showcased some trademark “fancy pants” basketball scoring 154 points in the win, an NBA season high. Jason Richardson, in particular, was on fire and Hill, Shaq and Matt Barnes had several highlight reel moments.

The next day as I waited at the gate to board the magical coach that had turned back into a Southwest pumpkin for my flight back home to Denver, I was already starting to think about my next trip out to Planet Orange.

One big hole in Trashwire has always been the absence of a sports section. As the primary writer for the site, I’m usually too busy writing about which silicone bimbo got the boot from Rock of Love to pay much attention to the wide world of sports, but lately a few sporting events have started to pique my interest.

First, I covered the Super Bowl… or rather, the commercials that were on during the Super Bowl, but that’s a start, right? Then I debated adding some coverage of the Phoenix Suns season because I love watching their games. I decided that covering only one team wouldn’t really give us a “fair and balanced” sports section, and since many of our readers live in Denver, people would start to wonder why I wasn’t talking about the Nuggets instead.

So, in the tradition of my Super Bowl post, I decided it would be fun to cover this year’s NBA All-Star weekend. Next thing you know, I was on my way down to Phoenix to check it out.

If you follow Trashwire on Twitter, you probably saw the updates I posted about hanging out with NBA legend David Thompson or making my way to the Block Party to listen to the local band that was playing. You might have also seen some posts about the Storm Toopers or Jedi Knight’s running around the Jam Session.

I also spent some time at the Wyndham, which became one of the sites for the temporary league office, where I met legends like Dominique Wilkins, George “Iceman” Gervin, winningest coach of all time Lenny Wilkens and the ever-handsome Rick Fox.

Yesterday, Trashwire’s Twitter friends got the first look at some of the fun events during All-Star Saturday, but for those who don’t use Twitter, here’s a rundown of what went on:

Things kicked off at the US Airways Center with the eighth annual Haier Shooting Stars competition. The crowd booed anytime anyone even mentioned the Spurs and Detroit’s team, consisting of Arron Afflalo, Bill Laimbeer and Katie Smith took home the title. The Playstation Skills Challenge winner was Derrick Rose, who finished the course in 35.3 seconds, ending with a double pump reverse slam dunk. The Footlocker Three-Point Shootout went to a tie-breaker round when Daequan Cook and Rashard Lewis tied for 15 points. Despite all this, the competition was a bit of a yawner. Even the synopsis from NBA.com commented that the three-point competition “lacked drama despite the extra session.”

The excitement in the room returned as we built up to the main event, the Sprite Slam Dunk contest. Would reigning champ Dwight Howard be able to hold on to his title with something even more amazing than his Superman dunk from last year? Would a new challenger unleash a dunk the likes of which had never been seen? Everyone stopped what they were doing and focused on the court as the contenders and judges entered.

Both Rudy Fernandez and J.R. Smith had some sweet dunks, but it all boiled down to 5’9″ Nate Robinson vs Howard. The entire place was on their feet when Howard not only rolled out an even higher basket, but dashed into a phone booth to dawn his trademark Superman cape. The epic theatricality of it was spectacular and Howard’s sense of humor only elevated the fun.

Robinson answered back with an equally spectacular display. Dawning a green Knicks uniform to represent Kryptonite, he became Krypto-Nate and played the role of Lex Luthor, leaping over the 6’11″ Howard’s head for a killer dunk that stunned the crowd. In the end Robinson emerged victorious, winning 52% of fan votes and taking home the title.

I chatted with players and legends later that night about the dunks and there seemed to be a split between those who liked the use of elaborate props and those who desired a return to less theatrical displays of exceptional skill. I can understand both sides of the coin, but in the end, it boils down to who can put on the best show. While Vince Carter might not have needed a cape or a costume to perform his epic arm-in-the-net dunk, it had the same effect on the crowd as the first time Michael Jackson busted out the Moonwalk. Whether it was based on skill or showmanship, it was still a great show, and that’s what this is all about.

At the arena, I bumped into James Denton and grabbed a picture before I headed to my section. I had awesome seats next to Ben Lyons and Sal Masekela and had a great vantage point for spotting stars like Jimmy Jam, Maria Shriver, Spike Lee, Donald Faison, Ludacris, Chris Tucker and others. While I wasn’t exactly working with the pinnacle of digital camera technology, I managed to get a few shots of the contest and the celebs around the court.

I made a quick stop at the NBA Cares and Cooks party, where I met the beautiful Lisa Leslie, legend Spencer Haywood, and listened to the band perform. Then it was off to the NBA Players Association Gala event.

Legends and current players all gathered in the giant ballroom of the convention center to kick back, enjoy some food and have a drink. I made a big circle of the room before spotting Suns star Steve Nash, who would receive an honor at the event, in the VIP section. Moments later, I ran into Nash’s teammate Lou Amundson (who went to my high school and whose lovely sister Alena provides legal advice for Trashwire). After Amundson and I attempted to give my dad, Alvin Gentry, a brief bio of T.I., who was performing at the party, I herded my dad closer to the stage for a more hands-on lesson.

T.I. controlled the crowd as they sang every word to hits like “Whatever You Like” and “What You Know”. It was like a chorus as the whole room belted the Rihanna hook in “Live Your Life”.

When I finally jumped in a cab to go home, I left knowing that it was one of the coolest days ever.

These pictures can be found on the photos page, or check them out bellow.

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For guys, the Super Bowl is like Christmas, New Years and a birthday all rolled into one. Aside from the game itself, all the expensive advertising seems to celebrate this most dude-centric of days. As a woman, I found it fascinating to watch what advertisers think will be appealing and to take a look at what we learn about guys from watching the Super Bowl commercials, so I bring you this list of 5 things we learn about dudes from watching these commercials.

5. Dudes like cars.
Hyundai ran an ad that might have been more fitting in the WWII era with an Asian car company executive from Lexus and a German exec from BMW screaming at their employees like fascist dictators about Hyundai’s ranking as North America’s #1 car. Bridgestone had an ad that featured two astronauts cruising around in a pimped out space buggy while dancing to “Jump Around”. Toyota had one of its trucks driving up a metal tower of flames to prove how tough their vehicles are. Cars.com and Castrol chose the the humorous route to play to dudes’ love of cars. There was even a trailer for the next installment in the Fast and Furious franchise, or as I like to call it “Faster and Furious-er Redux”. All this was staggering evidence in favor of dudes being really into car performance and purchasing.

4. Just like everyone else in this economy, dudes are worried about money.
Hyundai ran several ads that played to the economic downturn by promoting their contract system that allows customers to return their cars if they lose their jobs. Overstock and Priceline ran commercials telling dudes how to save money by making purchases online and CareerBuilder and Monster reminded dudes that they don’t like their lame jobs. Monster even ran a big themed ad for their “Director of Fandemonium” contest that gives viewers a chance to win Super Bowl perks and $100,000. It seems that the economy has hit dudes hard and they are looking for ways to pay the bills so they can afford cars or tickets to movies with CGI explosions.

3. Dudes are into CGI characters.
Nearly every single one of the commercials featured some kind of computer generated character. The majority were in movie trailers for films like, Race to Witch Mountain, Monsters vs. Aliens, Disney/Pixar’s Up and even Will Ferrell’s latest, Land of the Lost, but even non-movie ads featured digital characters like Chester Cheetah or those Sobe lizards. With trailers for the Transformers sequel and JJ Abrams’ new Star Trek, this one could also be written as “dudes like CGI action” because of all the CGI explosions, crashes and the like. Also, dudes want to watch anything in 3D, even sitcoms.

2. Dudes like America.
One running theme in yesterday’s events was patriotism.  It seems that, aside from CGI explosions and hot chicks, dudes also like America. While this kind of “America, Fuck Yeah!” attitude might have seemed like a redneck-only value a few years ago, the new pro-America vibe seems to have risen from genuine happiness in having a competent leader like Barack Obama. It’s change, people, and dudes like that too.

1. Dudes dig chicks.
This is especially true, it seems, if the chick in question is Danica Patrick. The GoDaddy ads featuring the race car driver suggested that dudes like any super hot chicks on the tomboy side who like cars and going fast, but that guys also like all busty babes in tight clothes. Doritos ran an ad where hot women started taking their clothes off because of the “power of the crunch” and even the Budweiser horses seemed to be in a frisky mood in their Clydesdale romance commercials, which sounds dirtier than it actually is. Perhaps it’s because the Super Bowl falls just a couple weeks before Valentines Day, but a lot of the ads were about dudes and their girlfriends or chicks they wanted to be their girlfriends.

You can re-watch all the adds on Hulu because they cost millions of dollars and it’s a shame to only see them once.