Some Thoughts on Sienna Miller

Sienna Miller seems to think she is a big-time, talented actress with a miserable life traveling the globe and making millions. Jason disagrees.

Who is Sienna Miller?

She’s an actress, I think. I know she’s blonde and had seen her name on the covers of highbrow publications like In Touch Weekly and Us, which was all I really needed to know. Then my friend Maura, a Pittsburgh native, told me about an interview that Miller, who’s presently shooting a movie called “The Mysteries of Pittsburgh” in the titular city, gave to Rolling Stone. This quote is excerpted from that interview:

“Can you believe this is my life? Will you pity me when you’re back in your funky New York apartment and I’m still in Pittsburgh? I need to get more glamorous films and stop with my indie year.”

I visited Pittsburgh for the first time last summer and loved it, so after reading Miller’s quote I went on the Interweb to find the answer to my slightly modified question: “Who the FUCK is Sienna Miller?!” I turned up the following points:

A) The only movie that Miller has done of any note is the shit remake of Alfie with Jude Law.
B) Miller used to fuck Law on a regular basis, surely launching her into the public sphere. Law wisely dumped her; perhaps she broke down crying while still in bed with Law and said “I could be fucking Orlando Bloom, Johnny Depp, or Clive Owen! Can you believe this is my life?!”
C) Sienna Miller is a bitch. Not only that, she issued an apology for her remarks. As Karl Rove would put it, this makes her a flip-flopping bitch.

QUICK! Somebody call the In Dire Need of a Savior hotline to Bono and tell him that the revenue from his Red iPods must be redirected to the Save Sienna Miller from Mild Boredom Fund! Fuck you, starving disease-riddled African children; you are not worthy of the pity of those with funky* domiciles! Obviously, Sienna Miller’s glamour is more important than your well-being; compared to you, Sienna Miller has the WORST LIFE IN THE WORLD! CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MAKING MOVIES ON LOCATION IS HER LIFE?!?!?!?

So who is Sienna Miller? I’ll tell you: she is someone who deserves to DIE.

*What does this even mean? Did James Brown do the plumbing?

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