American Idol Returns

America’s favorite talent show returned tonight on Fox. Yes, Seacrest and the gang were back for another round of American Idol. You may wonder what they can do to possibly top the pervious seasons, but every year they promise to raise the bar once again.

I’m sure we all agree that the most enjoyable episodes are this first run, when we get to see the very worst of America’s talent. Right off the bat, the show did not disappoint. The first city they stopped in was Minnesota, where the judges were joined by Jewel. Does anyone else think it’s weird that a girl who writes a song like “Intuition”, which basically mocks the rampant commercialism in the music industry, showed up to judge on Idol? They kicked off with a sob story when the very first person in the door was a gigantic Jewel fan and cried and freaked out at the chance to sing for her idol. Unfortunately, the girl was awful and Jewel and the gang had to politely reject her. I’m sure this poor girl is now in therapy.

Next up was a guy named Troy whose style could be described as “urban Amish”. He had never seen Idol before because he doesn’t have a TV. He was terrible, but what was most interesting about his audition was the face that Paula made as he sang. It was a cross between sucking on a lemon and smelling raw sewage. In all my years of watching the show, I don’t think I’ve ever seen her face contort in such a way before.

The first slew of contestants were so bad that I couldn’t help but feel bad for Jewel. Her record company probably came up with this brilliant little idea for her to judge on Idol and she had no choice but to do it. Then she got there, to the den of all pop commercialism, and had to sit through countless awful auditions. Even worse, she had to reject kids and crush their dreams. That might not be so bad if you’re Simon, you’re the head of a major juggernaut and no one can really shake you. But if you’re Jewel, these kids can go tell hundreds of their friends that you’re a bitch and to not buy your records anymore. It’s a slippery slope. Clearly, her career isn’t quite what it used to be if she has to go on the show in the first place, so why take the risk of insulting your consumers?

From crack babies to dudes dressed like Apollo Creed to a whole slew of people who spaced out their lyrics, the show rolled on in much the same way as always. There were tone deaf hopefuls who watched their delusional worlds come crashing down and others who had an inkling of talent and made it through.

The most interesting part was the way Paula mentally checked out during the auditions. During most of them, she seemed distracted and played with her hair or stared into space. Other times, she looked like she was asleep with her eyes closed and her head down. What the hell is going on? They bring in Jewel and Paula just takes the day off to nap at the judging table? I don’t think they were even counting her vote there towards the end. I’m just not sure what to make of it.

The number one highlight of the show was a little commercial for Trading Spouses that aired during one break. Some of you might remember Margaritte Perrin, a self proclaimed “God Warrior”, from the show a few seasons back. She went completely psycho and started freaking out at her host family’s house as she screamed about “gargyles and slaggics” or gargoyles and psychics to the normal person. It seems that Miss God Warrior will be back for an all new episode of the show this Friday. My Tivo is already set to record it.

I’m sure Idol will pick up and become more entertaining as the episodes progress. The first bunch is always good because of all the bad people, but then it gets boring until it really gets down to the final few episodes.