Trapped in the Closet chapters 15-19

In chapter 15, Twan and Sylvester confront Roxanne and Tina and we learn that the reason Twan went to jail involved the two women. During the confrontation, R. Kelly softly sings lyrics like “Who you calling a ho?” and “Motherfucker I’ll kill your ass!” as Roxanne screams at Twan. In the words of Larry David, pretty….pretty….pretty good.

The elegant little ballad continues as Kelly gives us unnecessary details like the play-by-play of Sylvester smoking and we reveal that Twan got busted fro driving trunk with Tina and Roxanne in the car and drugs in the trunk. There’s even a super low budget version of a helicopter chase.

At the end of chapter 15, we learn that Twan got Tina pregnant at the time of his arrest…..

This rolls right into chapter 16 where we get some more totally stupid back story about the relationship between Twan and Tina. We also get to see Tina’s weird ass facial ticks that she got because “her pimp hit her in her eye”. I shit you not, that is the actual line!

After a whole chapter without an ignorant reveal, what could this chapter’s big mystery be? Well, this may shock any of you who didn’t see it coming from the second you saw Roxanne but…. Roxanne is Tina’s lesbian lover.

Baby daddy drama… lesbian lovers… it really is Jerry Springer: The Musical!

Moving on to chapter 17, Sylvester pulls a gun on everyone for no reason and it appears there’s a moment when R. Kelly just totally ran out of lyrics and everyone just sits there silently as if they’re trying to remember their lines. And, well, uh, that’s pretty much all of chapter 17. Just Sylvester pulling a gun and then he and Twan leaving the diner.

In chapter 18, which begins with a intro where R. Kelly remarks that he wishes some women were there with him watching instead of that white dude from IFC, the Twan/Sylvester story just rolls on.

Twan and Sylvester are driving away from the gun-pointing, lesbian-twist-revealing diner when Gwen calls. Unfortunately, they must not have Verizon because “the phone’s static-ing”. Not only does Kelly describe the bad reception as the phone “staticing” but he continues to sing that line three of four times in a row. Then we get “Can you hear me now?” a couple times.

Tired of that story? Well you’re in luck because we inexplicably jump to a church where everyone’s favorite gay pastor, Rufus is hanging out with Reverend Mosley James Evans and the Peace Within Choir. Yeah, that’s right. Reverend Mosley James Evans and the Peace Within Choir. And in case you weren’t horrified enough, Kelly voices the Reverend and the entire choir of about 50 people.

But that’s not what’s important about this story. The key to this chapter is the intimate phone conversation that takes place between Chuck and Rufus as they discuss their whole love triangle. It seems that Rufus kind of wants to get back together with Cathy, his wife, and naturally this upsets Chuck.

There’s even more cellphone drama (why is this a recurring theme?!) and a sort of confrontation… I guess… between Rufus and Chuck where Chuck threatens to go to the press about Rufus’ homosexuality.

At the end of that chapter, Chuck reveals that he is calling Rufus from the hospital.

Chapter 19 also takes place in the church, with Kelly starting to go full-out Eddie Murphy and playing several characters who interact with each other. This includes a pimp named Lucious and the Reverend. Also in this chapter, it seems like Kelly completely gives up the rhyme scheme and just starts singing sentences that don’t have any rhythm at all.

I can’t even wrap my mind around what’s probably coming next… but mark my words if Chuck is in the hospital because he had AIDS, this thing will have reached critical trash mass. It will have officially crossed the event horizon of horrible. Knowing the way Kelly writes totally stereotypical and so-stupid-it’s-offensive lyrics, I just feel like that’s where this thing is headed.

We’ll have to see.