Rock of Love Bus: The bottomless pit of Celebreality

Whenever I think reality tv has hit rock bottom, something new comes on that takes it to an all new low.

The latest contender is Rock of Love Bus on VH1. The show follows Bret Michaels (who used to be known for being the lead singer of Poison but is now a puffy, middle aged reality star) and the gaggle of skanks vying for his affection, or at least a little tv time. Instead of the usual tacky mansion, this time the whole gang will be living out of buses as they follow Michaels around the country during his tour.

The early stand outs were Brazilian alcoholic Marcia, Paris Hilton/Juliette Lewis hybrid Ashley, fake gypsy Constandina, the female Mickey Rourke Gia, and of course Nikki, who DListed called a “ladyboy muppet”.

Nikki was simultaneously repulsive and intriguing. The term hot mess doesn’t even scratch the surface for a girl who carries a slew of “legal drugs” and never really seems to know where she is at any given moment. This girl might be the most vile skank to ever grace reality tv, and that’s including the crack hos from HBO’s Hookers at the Point.

All these girls give debauchery a bad name! In the first episode alone, the show featured some of the most horrific, deplorable, vomit-inducing behavior ever broadcast on tv. The highlight, of course, being when Nikki and Gia redefined the term “body shot” in a pornographic display at the bar. All I will say is that I guess they should be happy that alcohol is a disinfectant! The best part about it was VH1’s hypocritical attempt to keep it classy by cutting away and having Michaels tell the audience they were unable to show such an act on the network.

Had it not been for this appalling new spin on body shots, my favorite moment would have been the sequence when Marcia drank too much then threw up in the toilet for several minutes, only to plant a big sloppy post-puke kiss on Michaels as he entered the room. He responded in typical fashion by kissing her right back. After all, his usual comment about such grossness is, “It kinda turned me on.”

Sadly (or thankfully depending on your views of trash tv) Nikki was booted from the show. During the elimination, she was so drunk she couldn’t stand up and, even after the rest of the girls had vacated the meat-market platform, she was left flopped out on the ground.

I have a strong stomach for this kind of garbage, but this show is definitely too much for any casual trash tv fan to handle. The whole time I was watching, I kept thinking about equally desensitized Gerard Way, who regularly talks about VH1s Celebreality shows on the My Chemical Romance blog, setting his TiVo to record such awfulness. I guess all of us who watch Rock of Love Bus will continue to gleefully wallow in the cesspool together.