Sports Smart(ass) : Golden Tate demands donuts

When Trashwire began all those years ago, the contributors had pen names. Most were just plain silly, and some were not so safe for work. One of our earliest contributors was Dave DeHart, whose Trashwire nickname was definitely on the NSFW side. Today, Dave is back, using his real name, and bringing us his unique sports commentary in a new section caled “Sports Smart(ass) with Dave DeHart”. This week’s episode: Golden Tate vs the donut shop.

It feels so good to be back! My (one) fan might remember me as Dicky Cockerson, but I’ve been forced to change my name to David DeHart due to a long legal battle I lost with an internet pornstar. I wrote a Trashwire review for Spiderman 2 back in late 2004, and while my pseudo-bromance with Spiderman (or nearly everything Marvel) still exists, I decided to stop reviewing movies all together after I watched Ladder 49 and couldn’t possibly think of a way to review a movie that turrible (I know only pronounce the word ‘terrible’ like Charles Barkley). So without further Edu (it’s World Cup time baby!), I bring to you Sports Smart(ass) by Dave DeHart. Each week, I’ll be weighing in on some of the dumbest, oddest, and inexplainable happenings in sports. If you want sports recaps, go read a goddamn newspaper.

As TMZ.com first reported, Seattle Seahawks rookie WR Golden Tate was recently issued a trespass warning for breaking into local Seattle doughnut shop Top Pot Saturday at 3am. TMZ also has the recording from the nightshift baker who called in the incident. She claims that Tate was “being retarded” and stole several Maple Bars, which sound like they’d be worth taking a trespassing rap for. I’m guessing that “being retarded” meant he was drunk because I want to give the benefit of the doubt that an NFL rookie wouldn’t be smoking that super bomb Seattle Northern Lights (even though coach Pete Carroll could empathize if he was).

Now, I realize I’m not the first to chime in on Tate’s after hours escapades for some late night munchies, but I’ve gotta say, I don’t blame the guy. Do you even realize how hard it is to find delicious food at 3am on a Saturday when you’re drunker than Lindsey Lohan after a Ke$ha concert?! In Denver, you can’t even get Taco Bell at 3am, TACO BELL! Who even knew Taco Bell closed? It’s not like their employees have families to go home to.

If you are not familiar with Tate, he was a runningback/wideout hybrid at Notre Dame who made incredibly physical plays after the catch. On one particular play I saw, he got hit while jumping, did the ole’ fliparoo and almost landed on his feet to continue pounding his way to the endzone. Also, he has an incredibly awesome name too. It’s fun to say, Golden Tate, Golden Tate, Golden Tate, sometimes I accidentally say Golden Taint which brings up all sorts of rich imagery.

It’s no surprise though that a player who will do flips to get into the endzone would force his way into a donut shop for some delectable maple bars after a night of boozing. What else are you going to do, break into a Starbucks for some of their shitty zucchini walnut muffins? Fuck no. If you’re going to break into a store, it better be for something insanely awesome, like a Maple Bar from Top Pot, which Tate described as “irresistible.” If I was an NFL player coming home from a night of pounding my liver into submission where my stomach was an innocent bystander, I’d break into the store after taking a whiff of the Maple Bars from Top Pot (This entry IS brought to you by Top Pot Hand-Forged Doughnuts – http://www.toppotdoughnuts.com… no, not really.)

Luckily everyone, even the Seattle police, could laugh off the incident and instead of getting pegged with a breaking and entering charge, Tate walked away with a trespassing slap-on-the-wrist and belly full of finger-licking Maple Bars. I don’t like that he tried to pawn this one off on his friend and partner in crime, but hey, his friend isn’t worth millions of dollars, so pawn on my man. Let’s just all be happy that Golden didn’t stake his reputation on the line for some…wait for it…Karat cake.