Hal Sparks takes the Trashwire survey

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Hal Sparks just wrapped up a successful three-night run at the Comedy Works in Denver where he touched on topics like wanting your own theme music, being afraid of a plastic bag on the freeway, and his experience as a stealth paintball assassin. In between his hilarious set, he had time to answer a few questions for Trashwire.

Trashwire: What is your favorite bad movie?
Hal: I disagree with the name “bad”. Just because other people don’t like it doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic. I think Hudson Hawk qualifies in that zone. People think it’s a bad movie, and it’s actually spectacular.

Trashwire: What is your favorite line from a bad movie?
Hal: Probably from RoboCop 2, “Behaaaaaave yourselves!” It’s pretty great.

Trashwire: Who is your favorite bad movie star?
Hal: The guy who was in The Phantom and he was in Dead Calm, Billy Zane. He’s probably my favorite bad movie star. I like that, once he started losing his hair, he just shaved his whole head bald. He was like, “screw it!”

Trashwire: What is your favorite trashy reality show?
Hal: I don’t believe in guilty pleasures, I have no guilt about any pleasure. Just ’cause someone doesn’t like my pleasure, doesn’t mean I have to feel bad about it. That’s a strong, important point with me. That being said, it’s hard to choose one because it’s “trashy” reality show, which narrows the category. I would go with Flavor of Love or Breaking Bonaduce–or, you know what–I’m with Busey.

Trashwire: Who is the funniest person alive?
Hal: Besides me? That’s a tough one. Michael Palin from Monty Python. It’s a difficult one because they’re all so funny. But Michael Palin, I think, is purely funny. He’s good natured and always beyond hilarious. Even if you go to Monty Python’s The Holy Grail where he’s the Knights who Say Ni, just him going “Now… go!” is fucking hilarious.

Trashwire: What is the first thing you’d do with a billion dollars?
Hal: Well, considering that I do what I love, I’d probably hide the fact that I have a billion dollars. If it was like, “Hey, you got a billion bucks.” I’d be like “Oh shit! don’t let anybody know I have a billion dollars.” I would hide the fact that I had that much money right away. I’d probably get a bank in the Caymans or something, after paying my fair share of taxes, for the record.

Trashwire: If you were stranded on an island with any celebrity, who would you chose?
Hal: That’s tough. Do you want to get off the island? Then you might pick somebody like your Jeff Corwins of the world, or your Dirty Jobs dude, or maybe the guys from Mythbusters. If you’re gonna stay on the island with one person, I’m thinking Jennifer Aniston/Sophie Marceau. Either one of them would be fine. Actually, maybe Juliette Lewis. Even though I don’t think she’s a perfect mate for me, it would never get boring. It would always be weird… on the island of lost celebrities.

Trashwire: If you could only hear one song for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Hal: It would probably be “Master of Puppets” or “Summerland” by King’s X.

Trashwire: What would you say is your best movie experience?
Hal: Aside from seeing What the *Bleep* Do We Know or The Secret and having that be life-changing and mind-opening, I think seeing Howard the Duck with a bunch of my friends in high school is my favorite. Our choices that night were Howard the Duck or Platoon and I’m like “I’m not gonna waste my Friday night going home feeling miserable. That’s a Sunday afternoon movie.” So we went and watched Howard the Duck, and it sucked, and Lea Thompson was in her underwear and she’s totally fine. We had a great time.

Trashwire: When you were little, what did you always want to be?
Hal: When I was little, I wanted to be in KISS. That just seemed like home or something. I think it shows in who I am. Bruce Lee, Steve Martin, Paul Stanley and Gene Simmons are my male role models, so you can pretty much figure my whole psyche out by looking at those four people.

Trashwire: Now we come to the short answers.
Trashwire: What do you like more, Coke or Pepsi?
Hal: I don’t drink soda. Well, I don’t drink Coke or Pepsi, I drink, like “Ginger Beer” and really light, healthy kinda stuff. There’s a South American tea that they make sparkling and it’s like the greatest soda ever.
Trashwire: Chris Rock or Dave Chappelle?
Hal: Dave Chappelle because I like his silliness.
Trashwire: South Park or Family Guy?
Hal: Family Guy
Trashwire: Mac or Windows?
Hal: Mac. Does Windows still exist?
Trashwire: Facebook or MySpace?
Hal: MySpace, but if I was Rep. Foley of Florida, I’d would probably say Facebook.
Trashwire: Movies or TV?
Hal: Movies.