The Great Whore Off

You know it’s gotten bad when Chaotic was the best you’ve looked in years.

Remember when Chaotic, Britney and Kevin’s “home movie” reality show, aired on TV and we all thought “Wow! Britney is a dumb, trashy, skank!”? Well that was only an appetizer for the skanky trash display we were about to see. Britney continues to amaze me because, every single time she seems to have hit rock bottom in her life and I’m certain her career is over, she discovers an entirely new low point.

I remember watching Chaotic and thinking, “I’m shocked her people let her release this because it makes her look like a bumbling moron who is getting played so hard by Kevin Federline.” It was true. She looked totally ignorant. Kevin looked like those white kids that hang out outside of Footlocker and wear oversized Iverson jerseys so black people think they’re “gangsta” and treated her like crap in every single episode… and she followed him around like a puppy. It was almost sickening to watch.

On top of that, she seemed like a 10-year-old trapped in the body of a pop star. It was like something out of Big or the Jennifer Garner movie Thirteen Going on Thirty where she is suddenly transformed into an adult even though she retains the mind of a 13-year-old. Britney seemed like your typical former child star. She had grown up and now she was a hot chick, but her brain was at the level of most 6th graders.

She showed off her ignorance and stupidity at every turn. In one episode, it became apparent that she knew nothing about Europe, including the fact that it consists of many different countries, when she kept referring to it as “overseas” as opposed to stating which nation, or even which city, she was currently in. In another episode, she decided to analyze some art hanging in her room and explained that the image was “a woman on top of the world and in love with [the man in the picture]… but he’s gonna break her heart, or put something through it.” And let’s not forget the infamous line, “They look like boobs, but they’re not, they’re my knees!” which was followed by moronic laughter. It was like she and Jessica Simpson were in some kind of battle for the title dumbest blonde pop star on a reality show.

Chaotic made her look bad, but if we compare her then and now, it made her look like Princess Diana.

I feel like right now, Hollywood is in a gigantic trash competition, a whore-off if you will, where trainwreck celebrities like Britney, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and of course, Tara Reid, compete to see who can sink to the lowest low. Who can be the sloppiest drunken whore? Who can flash their beaver to the most photographers? Who can be forced into rehab the most times? Who can do things that would make most insane homeless people blush and still pretend they’re a role model for little girls? Paris used to be the front runner in this contest (because she seemed to invent this game) but lately Britney’s been going for the title.

It all reminds me of that episode of South Park called “Stupid Spoiled Whore Video Playset” where all the little girls in South Park idolized Paris Hilton and strived to be the stupidest and most spoiled whore in town. They threw crazy drunken parties, made sex tapes, and wore hoochie clothes as they prostituted themselves for attention. In the end, the girls discovered that it was stupid… oh, and Mr. Slave shoved Paris Hilton up his ass.

These girls are the biggest attention whores in the world. It’s only a matter of time before one of them sets herself on fire just to get her picture on the cover of Us Weekly. I wouldn’t be surprised if right now Paris Hilton is trying to figure out how steal the spotlight from Anna Nicole Smith. Maybe she’s asking around and trying to see how she could overdose and die, but still watch herself on Entertainment Tonight.

Our hands aren’t clean in this matter either. We pay attention to these whores, thus fueling their desire for even more attention. I know I’m totally to blame too. This is TRASHwire.com after all and we spend all our time ferociously following the Anna Nicole drama as it unfolds or watching the latest reality tv abortion. However, we understand the difference between a trashy star and a real one and we can appreciate real art at the same time as loving total garbage for it’s guilty pleasure factor. We might be the only people on earth who like The 400 Blows and The Janice Dickenson Modeling Agency.

Still, the battle for sloppiest celebrity whore rages on. Britney has pulled into the lead these days, but I’m sure we’ll see Lindsay or Paris gain some ground in the future. Fortunately for you, we’ll read about it so you don’t have to. When you’re looking for your trashy celebrity fix, all you have to do is click over to Trashwire.

UPDATE:
Was I right or what? A little while ago, I wrote this piece, saying that most of these Hollywood starlets, like Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid, are attention whores who will do anything for the spotlight. In the article, which I wrote shortly after Anna Nicole Smith’s death and the impending media circus that followed, I said that, “I wouldn’t be surprised if right now Paris Hilton is trying to figure out how steal the spotlight from Anna Nicole Smith. Maybe she’s asking around and trying to see how she could overdose and die, but still watch herself on Entertainment Tonight.” While it might not be Paris who is seeking the coveted paparazzi lens, Britney Spears has shocked and horrified us all by shaving her head, getting weird tattoos, having a break down, and going to rehab. Take that, Anna-Nicole-legal-battle-controversy! Britney has just dealt a major blow to the biggest entertainment story and managed to get all the “reporters” on ET, E! News, and even Court TV to stop talking about Anna Nicole for a few hours and devote all their attention to her. It’s only a matter of time before Paris or Lindsay start setting themselves on fire in their own desperate plea for attention.